Dating Application

Has anyone else ever really wished that they could just hand out dating applications? Would not that make things so much easier?

I'm one hundred percent serious.

These are questions I would ask:

-Do You have any illegitimate children? (This will not disqualify you as a potential mate- though, not knowing your children's name, ages, or when the child support payment is due- is grounds for immediate dismissal.)

-Do You have any Baby Mama Drama? Please Explain.

-Do You have any borderline insane ex-girlfriends that will continue to pop up and cause drama of catastrophic proportions throughout our relationship?

-What About general skeletons in your emotional closet that are just waiting for the perfect time to show themselves?

-Are You dragging invisible baggage behind you that will threaten to smother me at my most venerable.

-Do You know the difference between there, their, and they're?

-Does Your phone automatically stop working as soon as you cross state lines? Especially when you cross said lines with your male friends.

-Are You allergic to expressing any and all emotion? Is it cool if I have emotions?

-Are You of the special breed of drunk that believes that if you do not remember it, it did not happen?

-Are You planning on ceasing all grooming and efforts towards your appearance the second we are in a relationship? This includes, but is not limited to: gaining excess amounts of weight, infrequent bathing, and refusing to wash clothing unless they emit noxious odor.

-Have You ever been fired for drinking on the job? Um, please just say no.

-Have You ever been incarcerated. If so, how many times and for what duration? This unfortunately, on my part, is also not necessarily grounds for dismissal.

-Do You habitually pick fights with buffer / large groups of men?

-Do You have to wake up before 9:00? If so, are you capable of being super-duper-freaking quiet so that I do not awake and are forced to inflict harm upon you?

-Do You think my friends are cute and angelic? Do you still think my friends are adorable when they are in large groups and drinking? You are required to like them and be a sweetheart to them at all times or suffer the consequences. And they will be dire. Is that okay?

-This Also applies for my family. Hope ya do not mind.

-My Ears are very sensitive and I surely can not listen to music that is not exceptionally enjoyable for me. Will that be a problem?

This is exactly why I am single. For real.