The wrong guy is someone who is either:
• Completely unavailable • Pushes all your buttons
• Doesn’t have the qualities you want!
Does this sound like you? Well, read on dear one and start choosing perfectly suitable partners!
Own Up to the Fact that the Problem is YOU
If you seem to have a knack at attracting guys who are absolutely not “relationship material”, not available, or push all your buttons, it is not the fault of the universe.
Sorry. But when there’s a pattern, it’s NOT about luck it’s about YOU.
Underneath every seemingly random event, there is a subconscious agenda that is being fulfilled.
What does that mean, you ask? Well, it means that while your conscious mind may really WANT a great guy, something is going on at a deeper level that’s derailing your efforts.
I know this because I was the queen of subconscious derailment. Before I met my husband, I couldn’t find a suitable, available guy if you had knocked me over the head with him.
That is to say, once I decided it was time to get married I couldn’t find anyone! Before I thought I “should” get married I had no trouble! Great guys seemed to fall out of the woodwork. But I thought I was too young to get married, so I dumped each one of them, thinking it would be so easy to find my Soulmate…
But no! From 25 to 38 I couldn’t fall in love with an available guy who met my requirements to save my soul. I stayed engaged to a commitment phobe for 4 ½ years! I found myself smitten with someone who was still married. I found myself falling for guys who were leaving the country, aloof, or made me crazy.
What a remarkable turn of events. Unlike ALL of the guys I found after that magical marriageable age, each one of the first four guys I fell in love with were completely available for a committed relationship. I know that because each one of them IS currently married to the woman they hooked up with after we broke up!
Does that not seem remarkable to you?
Finding unavailable men had nothing to do with luck. It had everything to do with me.
I obviously had huge subconscious desires. And these desires were calling the shots.
Where Do These Desires Come From?
Subconscious desires usually come from two basic places. Fear and desire to redo the past. I was clearly afraid to be in love and be committed.
I remember my roommate saying, “You must have a fear of commitment if you keep choosing guys who can’t commit”.
I thought she was balmy at the time, but years later I decided maybe she was on to something. I wasn’t even aware of my fear however and didn’t start to get glimmers of it until I was in my mid thirties
So what was I afraid of?
This is kind of heavy duty.
A little airy fairy.
But totally revolutionary.
I was afraid of being in love translate to mean HELPLESS translate to mean without being empowered.
“What?!” You might be saying.
Being in love without being empowered is feeling as helpless as you did when you were a totally dependent child.
For some of us lucky folk, we got our love and survival needs met, and can look back sentimentally at that time, and go into a relationship as a whole, empowered adult.
For others of us, being helpless was painful. Our needs were not adequately met.
And that leaves us with two powerful, competing, subconscious desires:
1. AVOID that helpless feeling (LOVE)
2. Undo that helpless state (and get your childhood needs met in the next LOVE connection)
The first problem looks like my historical record. Avoid available guys when I considered myself available.
The second one looks like, choosing men who resemble our flaky parents in some way.
For example, imagine if you had a dad that gambled, and your mom never knew how she was going to pay the rent. Your home life was probably chaos. Your survival needs were seriously threatened.
So today, maybe consciously you want to avoid gamblers, but they just keep showing up in different forms. The last guy you fell in love with turned out to be addicted to hang gliding. The one before that took huge risks in the stock market.
Subconsciously, you are magnetically pulled by risk takers.
Subconsciously, you want to redo your past.
Subconsciously you want your dad to put your needs before his wacky, needs to gamble.
You were helpless. You didn’t get what you needed. That was intolerable. It’s not now. You are the master of your destiny now.
Your subconscious mind knows no time. No past, no present, no future. Its strategy is to redo it.
Empowerment = A Happy Ending
But there’s another option. And that is to be empowered.
Like I said earlier, the commitment phobe isn’t afraid of LOVE. She’s only afraid of loving without be empowered. She’s not afraid of the kind of love two adults can have.
The same thing is true for the Redoer. The truth is that you can meet your needs today. You don’t NEED anybody to do this for you.
When you apply these truths to your dating life, amazing things happen.
Dating Empowerment Tools to Keep You Acting/Feeling Like an Adult:
1. Play – Yup, I mean play the field.
This is where women could really learn something from men. When you are searching for your Soulmate, you are much better off acting like you have a choice.
When we’re children, we have no choice. We can’t choose better or different parents. We’re stuck.
Don’t be stuck when dating.
Be open to all possibilities.
When I met my husband I was dating a couple of different men (coffee, hiking—no rolls in the hay). If I had acted like I was sitting in some tower, waiting for Prince Charming, I would have felt VERY unempowered!
If you want to go into love empowered, much less find someone who will find you delightful for the rest of your life—you have to be SELECTIVE. You have to act and believe you have choice. (By the way, online dating is perfect for this. If one guy doesn’t do it for you there’s another one just a click away.)
2. Contribute – Instead of worrying about how you come across, or what you can get out of a mate, think about how you can contribute to him and his journey.
But wait a second. If you’re a recalcitrant giver you might want to focus on how your ‘relationship’ contributes to your mutual fun, enjoyment, and happiness.
3.Collaborate – If you want something to happen, utilize your partner’s strengths don’t lament his weaknesses.
For example, if you’re trying to decide where to go eat dinner, and your date is indecisive—don’t ask him to decide! If indecisiveness is a deal breaker, then hit the road.
This is critical if you find yourself hooking up with people who push your buttons.
These are just some of the empowerment strategies I teach my clients so they can find the love of their lives without years of therapy!
By using these strategies, they find that they choose much better!
They end up being:
Not blinded by a resume, a pedigree, or a body.
And most importantly—enjoying a romantic relationship with someone they really click with!
Now go forth and multiply!